Systemic Conditioning: The Silent Weight Women Carry by Julie Bjelland, LMFT
Across my practice, I hear the same words from women again and again: “I feel like I’m falling apart.” Most of these women are in midlife. They describe overwhelm, exhaustion, burnout, and even physical illnesses developing. What is heartbreaking is how many of them blame themselves, believing they are somehow failing.
The truth is, what they are experiencing is not personal failure. It is the result of systemic conditioning that begins in childhood and intensifies under the demands of midlife. When this conditioning collides with the body changes of perimenopause and menopause, many women find themselves pushed past capacity. And tragically, this is also the stage of life when the highest rate of suicide in women occurs — between ages 45 and 54.
We are not talking enough about this epidemic.
The Conditioning That Shapes Women
From the earliest years, those assigned female at birth are praised for being “good,” “nice,” and “helpful.” We are taught that our role is to care for others, keep the peace, and sacrifice our own needs.
We are told not to have needs.
We are told not to be angry.
We are told that caring for ourselves is selfish.
We are rewarded for self-sacrifice and people-pleasing.
By adulthood, many women have become experts at scanning their environments, anticipating the needs of spouses, children, workplaces, and aging parents — while remaining unaware of their own unmet needs. Sensitive and autistic women, in particular, often carry this to an extreme, with masking and hypervigilance layered on top.
The Midlife Breaking Point
By midlife, demands exceed capacity. This season of life often includes:
Perimenopause and menopause: hormonal shifts lowering resilience, increasing sensory sensitivity, and intensifying stress responses like anxiety and heart palpitations.
Empty nest transitions: loss of identity as children grow independent.
Aging parents and loss: new layers of responsibility and grief.
Chronic stress and illness: the body finally saying “no more.”
Many women feel overwhelmed, anxious, or depressed without realizing they have been taught to override every signal their body has sent for decades. Fatigue, pain, irritability, and emotional shutdowns are not flaws. They are signals. They are the body’s way of saying needs have gone unmet for too long.
The Cost of Ignoring Needs
The consequences of systemic conditioning are not abstract. They show up as:
Burnout so severe that daily functioning feels impossible.
Chronic illnesses that emerge under the strain of prolonged stress.
Heightened anxiety and depression.
Deep grief and loss of identity.
This silent suffering hurts not only women but also families, workplaces, and communities. When women are pushed to live as though they are robots with no needs, everyone loses.
Relearning How to Have Needs
The hopeful truth is that midlife overwhelm can become a doorway to transformation. It requires the courageous and often unfamiliar work of turning inward.
Recognizing needs: Learning to listen to body signals as messages, not flaws.
Redefining boundaries: Understanding that saying no to others is saying yes to yourself.
Reframing guilt and shame: Letting go of the belief that rest or pleasure is selfish.
Building resilience through joy: Adding micro-joys like moments in nature, stillness, or creative play to restore energy.
Creating intentional space: Time in silence, time without demands, and time to connect with self.
This process can feel like digging a tunnel back down into the authentic self — finding the inner child who was told her needs did not matter, and finally saying yes to her.
A Path Through Pain Into Transformation
Having gone through this myself, I know how painful and disorienting it can feel. Yet I also know the profound transformation that is possible. On the other side of overwhelm, women often discover a deeper sense of self, stronger boundaries, and a life aligned with authentic needs and joy.
This shift is not easy. It asks us to unlearn systemic conditioning that has been reinforced for a lifetime. But it is worth it. Because when women reclaim their needs, we do not just heal ourselves. We change families, workplaces, and communities for the better.
Closing Reflection
If you are in midlife and feel like you are falling apart, please know you are not alone and you are not failing. You are experiencing the weight of systemic conditioning colliding with real biological changes. This is not a personal flaw. It is a signal that you deserve care, rest, and compassion.
✨ Explore More
If this resonates, I invite you to explore my resources for sensitive and neurodivergent individuals: We’ll be doing an episode about this subject on The Sensitive and Neurodivergent Podcast. a free webinar about learning how to set boundaries without guilt, one-on-one consultations with me, a directory of practitioners, my online courses, and our global Sensitive Empowerment Community. Together, we can unlearn systemic conditioning and reclaim the right to have needs.
About the Author
Julie Bjelland, LMFT, is a licensed psychotherapist, author, and the Founder and CEO of Sensitive Empowerment Inc. She is a globally respected voice on sensitivity, adult-discovered autism, and the Sensitive Autistic Neurotype. Through her courses, global Sensitive Empowerment Community, autism assessments, podcast, and consultations, Julie supports sensitive and neurodivergent individuals in reducing overwhelm, understanding their unique wiring, and thriving in a world that often misunderstands them. Her mission is to help people reclaim self-love, honor their needs, and flourish authentically.
❤️ Explore more resources at JulieBjelland.com
Many women in midlife feel like they are falling apart, but the truth is that systemic conditioning, hormonal shifts, and decades of unmet needs are at the root. This article explores why women feel overwhelmed and how to begin reclaiming needs with compassion.