The Internal Work of Being a Highly Sensitive Parent by Carolina Mariposa

Guest blog post by Carolina Mariposa, M.S., M.I.M.

So many parenting experts tell us that it is critical for us to stay calm when we’re faced with our children’s emotional outbursts or difficult behavior.  As a psychotherapist and intuitive coach specializing in working with children and families, I agree this is important for many reasons.  The primary reason is that it supports our children in feeling they have a “secure base” or “safe space” with us no matter what is going on for them emotionally—when our children trust that we can handle their emotions, they are more likely to tell us what is going on for them.  In contrast, if they see that we react with stress when they display an emotion, our child will often shut down or escalate, neither of which will support them in learning how to manage difficult feelings.  Additionally, keeping calm supports our children in experiencing co-regulation, or the process of regulating their nervous system in close proximity to the parent’s more regulated nervous system.  In co-regulation, children, in effect, “borrow” their caregiver’s nervous system because theirs is not yet mature enough to regulate on its own.  In a subtle yet powerful process, the nervous system of the dysregulated child gradually synchronizes with the more regulated nervous system of the caregiver, and the child is calmed.  The younger our child is, the more they need our nervous system to co-regulate with, so that they learn to cope with their big feelings.  

When you are a Highly Sensitive Person like I am, especially one who is also highly empathic (I tend to feel other people’s emotions in my own body), staying regulated and calm is no easy task!  Due to our depth of processing and the natural excitability of our nervous system, we often find ourselves feeling overstimulated or overwhelmed, especially when in the presence of someone very upset.  How, then, are we supposed to be that secure base or regulated nervous system for our children? The answer for me is that it is an ongoing practice.  It takes work throughout the day, and it requires a good deal of self-awareness.  This practice is NOT about avoiding our own difficult feelings, but rather increasing our tolerance of emotions so that we may be more of an observer when they come up, vs. being overtaken by them.  Over many years of practice professionally and personally, I have found that it is possible to develop this ability to observe my emotions, to feel them while simultaneously having the capacity to examine them and work with them.  This supports my ability to be fully present for my child, as well as any other people or situations that are before me. Here are some of the ways I practice staying calm throughout my day as an HSP mom and coach:

1. Start the day by focusing on self-care:  This helps me to feel centered and grounded enough to face the day ahead.  For me, this looks like taking a minimum of 20 minutes alone to exercise and/or meditate before everyone else wakes up.  My ideal amount of time for this is an hour, but usually, it is shortened at least a couple of times per week by my daughter waking up earlier than expected or some scheduling change, such as an early dentist appointment. So I try to be flexible and aware of the bare minimum I need to resource myself when starting the day.

2. Use one or two “go-to” calming strategies when faced with challenging behaviors:  My daughter is 4 years old, so there are often typical young kid behaviors such as defiance, yelling, or simply not listening during the day.  My first go-to strategy is taking a deep breath.  This allows me to pause before reacting and also physically calms my body.  My second go-to strategy is to visualize my grounding.  This is a tool from my energy healing practice in which I visualize a line of energy extending from my tailbone all the way to the center of the earth.  When I am consciously grounding, I am better able to hold onto a calm state of mind.  

3. Narrate my process:  I use this one when my daughter is having a really hard time, such as a full tantrum or meltdown.  I will start taking deep breaths and speak slowly, letting my daughter know that I am practicing staying calm so I can support her.  I say things such as, “I can see you are really upset about this, I’m going to take some deep breaths so I can help you through it.” In addition to keeping me focused on staying calm, it models coping skills for my daughter too.  Sometimes she may even start doing it with me, which is an added bonus.

4. Acknowledge when I’m having my own big feelings:  All of us as parents know what it’s like to have our buttons pushed by our kids or to just be so tired that we’re not able to respond in an ideal manner.  In these moments, I try to give voice to my emotions without making them my daughter’s responsibility.  For example, I might state, “I’m starting to get frustrated, so I’m going to take a break for a minute,” or “I’m really sad about what happened, so I need some time to take care of my feelings before we talk about it.”  Once I share what I’m feeling in an age-appropriate way, I make sure to then practice one or more of my go-to strategies to try to regulate myself. 

5. Maintain a sense of playfulness whenever possible:  Play helps regulate our emotions and nervous system by balancing any intense emotions we may be having and giving them an outlet for expression that is safe.  When my daughter is having a big feeling, I often put words to it in a playful manner.  For example, I might mimic her facial expression, stomp my feet and say, “Mama, that’s not fair, I don’t want to clean up right now!” as a way to both empathize and balance the situation with a little humor.  This may not work every time, but often it results in her copying what I’ve just said, which means she has expressed her emotions in a healthy way and also started to cope with them a little bit.  Then I might take it further, perhaps by introducing a playful way to clean up that makes it more fun or having her race me up the stairs to the bath she doesn’t want to take.  In this way, I’m setting a more regulated tone for both of us by keeping it light rather than descending into a difficult power struggle where we are both dysregulated.

Keep in mind that the goal isn’t to be calm all the time, that would be impossible!  The goal is to strive for balance and emotional regulation in ourselves so that we can give our children that secure base and help them co-regulate as much as we are able in a given day.  Attachment research says that we only need to get it right about a third of the time for our children to see us as that secure base, so hopefully, that relieves some of the pressure to be perfect at this!  

If you need more tools to help you in your efforts to stay calm with your kids, and you are interested in learning more about me and my work, I encourage you to check out my website at https://www.ButterflyGroveHSP.com.  The resources page has numerous articles, videos, and meditations to support parents and children who are highly sensitive.  If you join my mailing list, you will also receive a free 90-minute webinar about parenting sensitive children!

There are many other tools available for us as parents to do this internal work of regulating ourselves, including those available through Julie Bjelland’s courses and resources!  Check out what she has to offer by clicking here.

Carolina Mariposa , M.S., M.I.M., is a licensed psychotherapist and medical intuitive who specializes in working with highly sensitive children, teens and parents.  She is passionate about teaching HSP's to connect with their innate wisdom so that they feel more grounded, joyful, creative and empowered.  While she is endorsed in California as an Early Childhood Mental Health Specialist, she loves supporting children of all ages and collaborating with those who see parenthood as an opportunity for personal and spiritual growth.  You can learn more about Carolina's work by visiting butterflygrovehsp.com 

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