The Cost of Being “Nice”: How People-Pleasing Harms Sensitive and Neurodivergent Souls by Julie Bjelland, LMFT

Many of us grew up being taught to be “nice” but not necessarily real or authentic.

From an early age, we learned that making others comfortable was more important than listening to our own discomfort. We were encouraged to be agreeable, blend in, and avoid conflict, even when something inside of us said, “This doesn’t feel right.”

For sensitive and neurodivergent individuals, especially those discovering autism later in life, these patterns can run deep. People-pleasing often becomes automatic. We shrink ourselves to fit the expectations of others, sometimes without even realizing it.

But there is a hidden cost to living this way.

How People-Pleasing Damages Our Well-Being

Many of the clients I support, along with members of our Sensitive Empowerment Community, share how exhausting it is to constantly prioritize others’ comfort over their own needs. It’s important to understand the real ways this impacts us:

Nervous System Dysregulation: When we override our needs, our nervous system stays in survival mode. Over time, this can lead to overwhelm, shutdowns, and burnout.

Loss of Self-Trust: Silencing our feelings and boundaries weakens our inner sense of safety and makes it harder to know what we want or need.

Emotional Exhaustion: Carrying the emotional weight of keeping others comfortable can drain us, often leading to burnout, resentment, and profound fatigue.

Disconnection from Self: Masking our authentic, sensitive, or neurodivergent traits to “fit in” can leave us feeling lost, disconnected, and unsure of who we truly are.

Physical Health Challenges: Chronic people-pleasing contributes to stress-related health issues, including headaches, sleep struggles, hormonal imbalances, and sensory overload.

If any of this feels familiar, please know you are not alone. Many of us were taught that being likable was more important than being ourselves. However, the truth is that we can unlearn these patterns and begin to heal.

What Improves When You Reclaim Your Truth

The journey to self-trust is not about suddenly becoming bold or outspoken; it is about cultivating a deeper understanding of oneself. It is a gentle process of coming home to yourself.

When you begin honoring your boundaries, needs, and true feelings, here’s what starts to shift:

A Calmer Nervous System: Listening to your needs creates internal safety. Your system begins to settle, and you feel less stuck in survival mode.

Clarity and Confidence: Rebuilding self-trust helps you recognize what feels aligned with your values. Saying no becomes less terrifying.

Authentic Relationships: Boundaries create space for real connection. You begin attracting people who value the real you, not just the version of you that accommodates them.

More Energy for What Matters: When you stop giving your energy to situations that drain you, you have more capacity for joy, creativity, and meaningful pursuits.

Reconnection with Your True Self: Letting go of masking and people-pleasing allows you to rediscover your true preferences, sensory needs, and identity.

It is not always easy, but every small moment you honor your needs is an act of healing.

Reflection Questions

If this resonates with you, I invite you to gently reflect:

• Do you notice the urge to people-please, even when it costs you?

• How has people-pleasing impacted your health or well-being?

• What has improved for you as you’ve reclaimed boundaries or self-trust?

• What helps you reconnect with your boundaries and your truth?

• How has your healing journey around self-trust unfolded so far?

You are not alone in this. Many of us are unlearning these patterns together, one gentle, courageous step at a time.

You Deserve to Be Real, Not Just “Nice”

Reclaiming your voice and honoring your needs is not selfish; it's essential. It is necessary.

Your sensitivity, your differences, your neurodivergent self — all of these are worthy of respect and care. You do not have to lose yourself to belong.

We are walking this path of self-trust, together.

If you'd like to explore this topic in a loving and supportive space with other sensitive and neurodivergent individuals, we warmly invite you to join the Sensitive Empowerment Community. You don’t have to navigate this alone — connect with others who truly understand. Learn More

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About the Author
Julie Bjelland, LMFT, is a licensed psychotherapist, author, and the Founder of Sensitive Empowerment. She specializes in high sensitivity and adult-discovered autism and is passionate about helping sensitive and neurodivergent people thrive. Through her consultations, courses, global community, and podcast reaching over 189 countries, Julie’s work centers around empowering the people who feel deeply—the ones who will help heal the world. Learn more about Julie’s extensive resources at www.JulieBjelland.com

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